Rom 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Fourteen years ago this week, we were 22 weeks with our first son and waiting hopefully for his birth.
I still remember the day like it was yesterday when complications piled on me like bricks suffocating, and I couldn’t believe something was happening to our baby.
Why would God take me through 22 weeks of pregnancy just to take him away from us? What sense did that make?
Those are the questions asked and focused on when suffering through a tragedy.
Scott took me to the obstetrician and our fears were confirmed. We were losing our baby.
They sent us to an OB specialist for a 4D ultrasound and amniocentesis, revealing trisomy 13 and a sure dying baby.
We were encouraged to go home and tell our family then plan to come back to hospital that night to deliver our son.
The agony of walking in the house and sharing the horrible reality that their little brother was sick and he would not live. How do children absorb such truth and be okay? How were Scott and I going to be okay?
My mom came to be with the girls and scott and I drove to the hospital. I don’t really remember that drive only walking in and thinking I would leave without a baby.
We checked in and we’re taken to a silent hall and sad faces on the door. If it couldn’t be any sadder, that certainly did it. We were entering a dying room.
Everyone was as amazing as they can be as you deliver a sick baby. He had a heartbeat before delivery and did not when he delivered. They took him away for a little while.
A little later a nurse brought him wrapped sweetly in a tiny blanket lying in a little white basket. He was so peaceful. He was already in Jesus’ arms, and THAT is the only reason I can tell this story and love on this earth without him.
I can live because Jesus lives. He loved me enough to take my baby home with him. He gave me the will to live on with a broken heart. He surrounded me with countless praying, loving, giving people.
He protected me with the immeasurable love of Scott. What a great burden he had on himself to love me through crushing grief as he felt it just the same. He let me hide for a time because facing people without a baby was unbearable. So vulnerable to people’s pity.
I tell this story for God’s glory. He works everything for good of those who love Him. He turned my sadness into joy and never took my desire to be a mom away. He replaced the hole in my heart for Parker with a vision of hope in adoption.
This week we grieved our son once more but 14 years later, we visited his grave with seven beautiful gifts of adoption… Parker’s legacy. His death gave birth to a new journey for our family.
Isaiah 43:18-19 “But forget all that— it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.”
We stood wrapped around our son’s earthy spot honoring his life with our children who came after him. They were the pathway God gave us through the wasteland. Parker’s life was not wasted. He was a river carrying us to something new.
We couldn’t see it then through tears and broken hearts, but God dents take us through such tragedy for it not to matter or be used. Unless we choose to stay there. If we are willing He will take us to places we never even imagined.
His plan is always better and His ways always greater.
I wouldn’t never have chosen this path in my flesh, but in Jesus, He gave me much more than my heart could hold. Exactly three years and 24 days after we held Parker, we held our Chinese daughter EllaKate in Chongqing, China and all the pain, sadness, and grief vanished. I held my whole heart again. She would be the glue that healed our family and an empty vessel we could all pour our love into.
We thought how wonderful God was to give us this beautiful blessing from such ashes. Oh to have our family complete in such a miraculous way.
Wow! If you know our family, we were just beginning the journey God had us on. Look standing around this grave. Seven gifts and who knows if we’re done.